So, if you haven’t already done so please go back to Part I or not. Up to you! So I left you on collating evidence and without further ado we shall look at the next steps to be taken.
Initially my ex would email me various shit settlement options which were all heavily weighted in his favour #shocker. At the time, I was volunteering at the Resto du Coeur, one of the many things I did during that separation year to improve my French. In addition going on a 4 month intensive GRETA language course which I was not allowed to do prior to the divorce.
One cold day in January, I received a lengthy email from my ex of which I read out to my now very good friend, whilst we were serving tea and coffee to people who were far worse off than ourselves. Drawing to the end of the email, I looked up and said something along the lines of “I don’t think he wants to be married anymore” in exceptional British dry wit fashion, with impeccably timing, she piped back, “well, I think that’s fucking obvious innit!”.
We both roared laughing and I still remember it to this day. Yes, divorce isn’t funny but my goodness, there are times, during the years that followed that I laughed so hard with the funny, witty responses of close friends and family. It was hilarious. There’s always a laugh to be had don’t you think in difficult circumstances? Let me know your thoughts. It doesn’t translate to many nationalities I have later come to discover.
Which brings me to my first point..
Assemble Your Crew
Friends and family are going to be your biggest strength, support and encouragement during the whole process. They are rooting for you like pros I can tell you. No one is willing you to succeed quite as much as your crew. They will listen so much so, they will be entitled to give you a “divorce bore” badge, make you howl with laughter, offer advice, solutions and generally have your back. My sister said “you don’t just have one person behind you have a whole army”. This is pretty powerful stuff so never under estimate your family and friends. Your Crew. You are legends each and everyone of you.
Change Email Password and All Passwords
Actually this one is probably best straight away but the crew are just as important. So yes, change all your email passwords, your laptop passwords, bank log in if it is in a sole account. Don’t forget, many passwords are stored and your partner knows or should do (!) your date of birth and likely passwords etc.
If you have a joint account, open a new one in your own name and get any payments to start going into this. The amount of times I have heard of men (sorry guys if it has been the other way around) of clearing out joint savings never to be seen again. Take half (preferably all) of the savings especially if you do not earn any money and are effectively in financial poverty and 100% reliant on your ex for money. It can be discussed at a later stage, as believe you me – you will never see any of that money again if you don’t get in there first.
I met a lady once who was living here with her partner and he told her to leave. There was a joint account but she did not want to take any money out, as she did not want to upset him. Given that she had already been kicked out with no thought to her future well being, I really wanted to frog march her to the cash point whilst repeating “do it!” “do it!” Armed or unarmed. She didn’t but will she think she should have later down the line? I appreciate that women who have been in abusive relationships, will still be in the frame of mind of not wanting to upset the partner but if you can detach and you are safe – My advice is to do it. It gives you leverage and security for later.
Once divorce is uttered your ex has zero concerns for how you will live your life going forward financially, mentally or physically – if they do – great but the vast majority don’t. Bear that in mind. Think financial protection and how you are going to manage in the future.
Now if they don’t change their passwords (this is the first thing a lawyer will say to you) then more fool them. If you want to have a trawl and print off evidence be my guest, same for search history – some don’t even bother to go for ‘in private browsing’ they are that arrogant. A toxic narcissistic ex (I am old school, in old money they were simply called arseholes) is the golden ticket in a divorce. They are deluded at every turn which works massively in your favour. Even better if they don’t even tell their lawyer the truth.
I remember on the day of our separation hearing, after he had been on a 10 day jolly in Annecy (with his fiancée (I know. Right?! He found the dating apps during our separation not one to let the grass grow under his feet and all that) it turns out I had signed for an engagement ring at my home amounting to 2,500 euros. In any event, he turns up all tanned, woefully unprepared and I can still hear his lawyer asking “have you got a girlfriend and have you bought a house?” He had left his electricity bill lying around. How can you defend someone if they don’t tell you the truth? With great difficulty it would later transpire.
If you know you are going to be separated/divorced imminently or are contemplating it – write down all your passwords if you are on a shared computer as these are normally saved. And if you are locked out, it can be incredibly frustrating trying to find your password for everything which leads me to the next point.
Buy A Laptop And/Or Printer
My ex changed the pin to the family computer so no one could access it not even the kids for their homework – they had to ask if they could use it. I had previously started to write down all my passwords and did have a laptop, however, all my work factures were on the computer and my social media presentations. I found them on emails I had sent to clients so downloaded them and bought a printer as well so I could work independently from the computer. I still had lots of photos on the computer and other personal files which I never saw again.
I had a French mobile number but also a UK phone to access my accounts in the UK – you know when they send a code. Unfortunately, this number was attached to my ex’s account so he cancelled my phone subscription which meant I could then not access to my funds in the UK. Again, think about phone contracts and get everything in your name.
To get around this, my sister ordered a SIM card from vodaphone pay as you go and then posted this to me in France. I then had to phone the banks to change my phone number and again remember all those codes and identification and passwords for each bank – I would suggest you write this down in coded form as well just in case. You never know what you may lose access to. This was probably the biggest hassle and not pleasant to think you cannot access your funds to survive.
Anticipate every under hand tactic to make your life as difficult as possible but if you anticipate all of this, you will be well covered and prepared. The access to your life and passwords is right up there with things to do immediately as otherwise you are in a vortex of can’t do this unless I have this..etc.
Also get as many apps for Orange, CAF etc on your phone as well this can also make it easier for you.
Cut Out The Middle Man
If what your ex proposes financially is all in their interests and suggests mediation – cut out the middle man and head straight to litigation. Hands up if you know someone who got divorced and everything was agreed in mediation and was all amicable. I rest my case. It is a waste of time. This could add months to to process. If you can’t agree between yourselves do you really think a mediator is going to convince your ex? The answer is no people! Moving swiftly on.
Create Folders
Get organised! Life will be so much easier for you and your lawyer if you create folders of evidence. I was very organised on this front – folder for school factures, folder for bills, ID for everyone etc. If you are into spreadsheets go for your life. The more organised your emails are to your lawyer the more progress can be made. They don’t want a blow by blow account of he said she said. They’ve seen and heard it all before.
Obviously if something is troubling you, then email away but this will cost you – you are being charged more than likely 200-250 euros per hour. Don’t run up an unnecessary bill. I would respond to my lawyer that day or certainly within a few days. I would also use WE transfer (which is free and provides a link for 3 days) to send my documents. My email would correspond to the relevant piece of evidence. If I needed to write about what had been threatened or said I would head this up ‘Emotional’ at the end. The main body of the text would be ‘Facts’ or ‘Evidence’ this makes you a pleasure to work for. Help your lawyer by being extremely organised, in order and keep the emotion out of it unless it has a bearing on outcomes. To be praised by your lawyer as being their grade A student client is the aim people. I can proudly say I earnt my prefect badge.
Be Civil
If you have always emailed in English you can continue to do so – in the beginning I emailed in French as I was unsure as to whether I would need to pay for translations. I did have to translate some bank statements and certificates quite urgently and that did cost me in the region of 500 euros.
My ex thought I was being pretentious – in fact, the emails I sent were just to highlight the various issues and to have evidence. I had no real desire to message anything. Again, an ex will think it is about them that you feel the need to message etc it never even occurred to him that emails were sent for evidence purposes and nothing more.
Improve Your French And Get Paid
I was very aware, having had a previous career in London but giving it up to raise our family, meant I was in very weak financial position in terms of earning potential. Not only that, I had a nice huge career gap. Now with B1/B2 French, I was still not quite ready to be let loose on the French workplace.
I knew my social media business was viable but was ridiculed and I am so glad I did not give this up. I decided to gain more accounts and really push my own business as well as improve my French. This is why I signed up for the intensive language course of GRETA where I got paid to learn and I could still work on my own business at the same time.
That year, 2021, was full on and I continued to volunteer and push myself to earn a decent amount to support myself and three children. Looking back, I am not sure how I did it. I was like a pendulum that swung to the other extreme – going to concerts, going to the UK, weekend break with the kids, 4 months intensive language course, looking into the CAF (a god send I can tell you), resto du coeur, working on my business – gaining clients, creating a YouTube account with my friend, a spot of dating (some wonderful nights as above – you know who you are and thank you for those moments shared) even and working out in my kitchen at 10 pm at night with kettlebells.
I was in pretty good shape and I felt confident and good. No longer did I have someone telling me they were ashamed to be seen in public with me, I was fat, lazy, useless etc. I felt good in amongst this storm.
Taking care of the home, the kids interests by trying to keep things as grounded as possible whilst I had my ex living alongside us for 10 months. The burn out came much, much, later. I look back at that time with fondest and pride. And if I don’t say so myself I was glowing! I knew I was ‘bossing it’ or maybe there was a higher force at play. I sometimes felt my grandad in those moments telling me to keep going. Don’t give up it will be okay. My sharp as a razor wit friend said, when I took up recreational smoking some 2 years later (not much but enough and now given up), “fucking hell Tash, I was surprised you weren’t on valium!” Give yourself a break.
Keep The Faith
Hope and positivity will keep you in a bad relationship but it will also set you free. It will get you through the tough times of trying to navigate and re-arrange you life in a country that is very different to the one that you came from. Away from a support network, systems that you are comfortable and familiar with and not to mention the language. I can’t bear trite inspirational quotes that are meaningless eg dance like no one is watching etc. So, I shall leave you with my favourite Kermit meme and feel free to take it as your own.
You have been reading Our Normandy Life!
Part III will be all about the CAF and how they can help, police complaints and bailiffs.
Our Normandy Life 