Granted, it’s not quite the ‘living the dream’ life goals that we all aspire to – I had dreamed of beach walks, holding hands, having lazy lunches, and much more but hey, every day’s a school day! Instead of the aforementioned dream life in France, I have possibly experienced every level of French administration that you could endure wish for. Character building some might say. And, let’s be honest, I had my fair share before my divorce if anyone has read this blog. Do they still call it blogging? It’s been so long I am now a content creator – old school with no AI.
I can proudly say I think I have achieved my imaginary Expert French Administration Badge. So, when someone says (in a Normandy FB group), in all seriousness, watch out for getting over charged in Lidl – I mentally give that the finger a novice entry level badge of French inconvenience. Coupled with a ffs are you kidding me?! Don’t be coming at me with that kind of nonsense – you need to be fully immersed in a separation, divorce, CAF, huissiers, police complaints and much more before you’re going to get any mild tea and sympathy from me.
It happens. Divorce that is. And more frequently than you would think, especially dare I say it, if you are a British ‘ex-pat/immigrant’. Around these ‘ere parts you are congratulated if you are still living and breathing as a married unit even if its long standing – I generally shake their hands coupled with “wow how have you managed that?!”
It does not seem to be an issue with other nationalities I have come to observe. Why that is I don’t know. Maybe their marriages are based on much better foundations of love, respect, communication, empathy and understanding? Maybe they both pitch in as partners and don’t let one person do everything, whilst the other one is merrily living alongside the family unit? Oh, did I just divulge a little. Sorry. Not sorry.
These couples tend to come over from my stomping ground and birthplace – the UK. You don’t hear too many Dutchies getting divorced. They do tend to come over (granted mainly retired) and stay together. They also generally keep themselves to themselves – they’re all a bit underground here in this corner of Normandy.
I know they have a Facebook group for the whole of France but the Dutch in Normandy do not have an equivalent. I wish they would have a giant orange meet up which I could gate crash or find out where they are all hanging out so I could arrive uninvited.
I am not gonna lie, since my divorce (actually prior to it) as there was the official separation and long drawn out dragging it out (8 months to be precise) by my ex (until the judge told him to do one after the 3rd delay), I have become partial to a Dutchie – male or female. I am still in contact with a Dutch friend I met when I was 15 whilst on a camping holiday in the South of France. I met up with her again this summer when I took the kids to the Netherlands. She said then you always had a thing for Holland and I told her it was her fault whilst we sat on the beach front in Wassenaar sipping cocktails and eating Bitterballen.
Well it turns out (I know very cliché) I love how tall they are (many French men in this area are not taller than me and I am 1m65 (5ft5). I love the accent, especially when they are pronouncing anything with ‘th’ ‘three’ ‘thirty’ it comes across as semi-Irish but also very Dutch. They are well travelled which makes them interesting, generally can speak many languages very well (ordinarily no once likes a show off but it is impressive) and, of course, their brutal directness so much so that you question “are they being rude or are they just being Dutch?” is quite entertaining. In any event, I like them. I think culturally we are very similar to that, say, of a typical French Normand.
Back to digressing and back to divorce. For those that have stuck around, I have not written this blog for a few years. Mainly because once the marriage was over I needed to mitigate my financial position, improve my French and get myself a job – two it turned out. Social media and being a Real Estate negotiator where I get to meet many different nationalities including the aforementioned. Win. Win.
So, yes, divorce is not ideal but marriages can and do fail irrespective of where you live and whilst this isn’t going to be a warts and all on what went wrong (another post for another time) – it is about what to do if you find yourself in this position.
Now, this is more than likely to apply to women as generally they are the main carer if they have children and, in my experience, it has been one person that has driven the move more than the other. Although for me, as he had banged on about it for so long (took me a while – 20 plus years to work out what he said and what he meant had no coloration whatsoever) I know it takes a while for the penny to drop – it was a mutual decision.
So what to do if you find yourself on very little income, haven’t lived in France that long (it was 3 years when I knew it was over and after covid), have limited French, have children, have no family out here, live a 20 minute car drive to anywhere, no public transport and cannot simply move back to your home country? Good question and, no, rocking back and forth in the corner is not one of them.
Throw into the mix an ex that wants to see you on your knees financially and mentally then you have a fight or flight situation.
So in a fairly ordered step by step guide, here’s what I did. Bearing in mind once divorce is on the table you have to separate any emotion and believing that your ex is going to be fair.
They will be driven purely by their interests – which will essentially be about money. It always makes me laugh when people say their ex would like to come to an agreement – the agreement is invariably weighted all in their favour!
They no longer care about how you will survive financially, your well being and all of that (that’s if they did to start with!) and how you will care for the children as well. Some will, of course, be adult and amicable but it is rare – certainly in my experience of my friends and woman that I know of. It is rare that a divorce will be all grown up and amicable even if they wanted the divorce. They’ve lost control and they will spiral.
Decide On Your Jurisdiction
The first thing I did was decide if I wanted to be divorced in the UK or France. Which was going to be more beneficial for me. Now, there is a bit of a myth that you have to get divorced in France if you both live here. If you mentally believe you live in the UK you can apply there, however, how easy it would be to enforce a decision is another matter. Given that I have had judgements for money and my ex has avoided paying anything for his children even with 3 separate bailiff instructions – I doubt this would be an easy thing. There are lots of things to consider about the two different systems – in the UK the child maintenance would have been far greater but in France the way in which you buy a property can make a huge difference.
I had a free one hour 30 minute chat with a UK solicitor who also said if my ex disputed my claims that I mentally lived in the UK this could prove costly.
Please also bear in mind that once you choose one jurisdiction you cannot then simply switch back to another. My ex was quite arrogant in his assumption that everything would go his way and did little preparation or planning. If your ex is like this it is ideal. That’s to say if they continue to be themselves as they genuinely believe that what they think is deemed reasonable – when the rest of the population don’t. Delusional exes are great in this respect. You want them to be themselves. Encourage this as much as you can.
Drive The Divorce And Initiate It
Once you’re done you’re done. Women in general have thought about divorce for many years before they go ahead with it. My ex wanted the divorce in a way but did not expect me to agree to it and certainly did not anticipate that I could not be bullied and blackmailed. He underestimated my strength from the offset and also that I genuinely was pleased that it was over.
There is not going to be a reconciliation. I had been unhappy for most of the time I arrived in France within my marriage and prior to that at various times. People would naturally think well why did you move – why indeed? Someone once said to me that ‘hope’ is the worst thing you can have in a relationship although most that do are generally optimistic and cheerful people. The down side of this is that it keeps you in a place that is not the reality. You have to look at “what is my reality here?” – what is happening now? You have to look at this closely and not hope that some day it will be is X, Y and Z. Moving to France did not bring about a change in my exes disposition.
So when we had officially separated I felt liberated and the freeist (I don’t think this is even a word) I had been since my twenties. During that year – whilst it was challenging, I literally had the best time and fun! I said yes to concerts, going away, improving my position, working out, no justifying, no asking if I could go somewhere, I was free to experience France in the way I wished to. I was a much better parent as I felt a huge weight of doom lift from my shoulders. I was excited for the future.
It is imperative, therefore, that once you have decided there is no going back file for divorce first. Ideally you don’t want to be defending a divorce eg on the back foot – drive it from the outset.
Find Your Divorce Avocat(e)
Now prior to checking the jurisdiction, I had met with a local solicitor who was happy to take on the case but then felt it was too complicated to take on because of Brexit. You cannot have an ‘amicable’ divorce in France if you are a non EU national as it will not be recognised in the UK – it has to go to court.
I had already instructed them so then had to find another one. The UK solicitor had given me a contact for a French based solicitor and after 30 minutes told me that this would go to court after learning about my ex and that she would be too expensive but she did have a name of someone who would be perfect. And perfect she was. From day one, I had a wonderful relationship with my avocate (solicitor) who totally got it, was correct on her pricing and kept me up-to-date. She literally took any stress out of the process and we worked together as a team. Dare I even say it, she made the whole experience pleasurable!
Separation Order
Now one of the first things (and knowing her stuff) she did was obtain a separation order. This is because my ex stopped paying any house keeping (all bills were coming out of my name) and basically lived here for 10 months saving his entire income whilst buying his own shopping and cooking for himself. It was like having a stranger (or sitting tenant!) in the house who didn’t pay, cook, clean or look after his own children. He refused to move out as he wanted approximately 85% of the value of the house as he had built it (that is a year’s worth of blog posts alone). Essentially blackmailing me. Even suggesting that he would divide up the house and we could have dates back etc. He was bordering on the hysteria where money was concerned – at this time he had a lot of money in his sole bank and had bought a house but this was not enough.
Essentially as I had an ex husband who wanted to divorce but was refusing to move out or pay or do anything we ‘seized the judge’ this is the term used to request that they intervene whilst divorce proceedings are taking place. This happened in the June (bearing in mind he was in the house since January 2021) and the hearing took place in the September. The judge believed my account of what had gone on and gave my ex one month to leave and to pay child maintenance which could only be back dated to the date the judge was seized. He refused to do so and this amount had to be sent to bailiffs. He left within the month and the stress for the kids and uncertainly meant that this awful atmosphere was lifted and my youngest, who had started to get anxiety and attachment issues to me, slowly but surely lifted. They had all asked if they could speak with the judge as by this time everyone wanted him to leave.
Collate Evidence
I was able to collect as much evidence I could in terms of copying bank statements, handwritten notes, bills, evidence of owning another house. Honestly, the amount of stuff that was just left lying around was staggering. Later on, he did not know how I came about gaining so much evidence thinking I was obsessed with his movements or spying on him – It really wasn’t that deep I simply needed to build my case.
I had to send all the originals of my birth certificates, childrens etc but I was unable to send his as this was his property. He had started dating around the May time and would leave various things scattered all over the place, he also purchased a house in the village (this didn’t materalise) but his protestations of not having anywhere to go fell on deaf ears.
He had a job, French language ability to an okay level, a house and had zero outgoings eg bills, food shop, mutelle, school fees – only his car insurance, phone and not even spotify. They were nominal. He was woefully unprepared throughout the whole process as he was consumed with bitterness but his defence literally could have be scrawled on the back of an envelope.
As my previous Training and Development Manager used to tell us before we embarked on training new recruits in the banking system – 80% is in the preparation 20% is in the delivery. If you have prepared you are more than likely going to ‘win’ or get what you are entitled to. If you haven’t prepared, prepare to lose.
When going to court be it divorce or anything else – it boils down to what can you prove? What are you claiming and can you back this up with evidence. It is that simple.
A divorce is a division of assets – if due and child care arrangements and costs towards them. You can go for an at fault divorce and I had a good case for this but this would have taken longer and yes a substantial amount in compensation but I didn’t need a judge to tell me or confirm that I had been in a shit marriage. I knew that already. The “he said she said” does not matter and I cannot emphasise this enough. Being hurt, being wounded etc does not count a jot. I see men and women get caught up in this and it is fruitless. Emotions play no part here. Stay focused on the job in hand.
I hope you have enjoyed this little insight in getting a divorce and do let me know if you would like to read Part II….
You have been reading Our (or should I say) My Normandy Life!
Our Normandy Life 